


Falling

by lesbianbettycooper



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (barely), (i guess), (not sam!), 5 Things, Angst, Character Study, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Nightmares, Sam Wilson-centric, Suicide, This fic got me like oof cndndnndk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 12:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14044713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianbettycooper/pseuds/lesbianbettycooper
Summary: 5 times that Sam watched someone fall +1 time that Sam fell—In which the people who Sam loves fall and Sam does too.





	Falling

At age nine, Sam was a big fan of birds. He liked how they chirped and how they looked and how they woke him up early enough to wake his brother and sister when his Mama worked so late that she only went to bed an hour before Sam woke up; when his Pa had to leave for church so early that the sun hadn’t even risen.

When his Pa finally has a day off, he begs him to take him out to the park to feed them.

They’d stayed for a long while, a continuous stream of birdseed coming from the pair of them as they sat at one of the picnic tables. It had been a while since Sam and his father had just sat and talked and the little boy found he had very much missed their conversations.

It’s late when they finally walk home and his Pa’s grip on his hand is tighter than before as they walk down Harlem’s gritty streets.

There seems to be a fight happening down one of the side streets and Sam’s father, the ever-caring man, turns down it, seemingly against his better judgement, telling Sam to stay near the top of the street, to not move.

Sam watches as his Pa tries to calm the young men down, he has his counselor voice on — the one that he uses to coerce his feelings out of him when Sam spends too long on the fire escape, saying nothing, doing nothing except staring at the birds — and Sam thinks that the men will stop fighting and relax because of it, Pa’s counselor voice always makes Sam calm down.

But the men aren’t calming down, they’re getting angrier and Sam thinks he hears one of them yell for his father to get out of their business. His Pa must take too long to actually do that because in an instant a gun is drawn on him.

Sam covers his ears when the shot comes, his eyes are still open though and he sees his father fall. A man who once stood tall, crumples to the ground and Sam finds himself disobeying his father's last wish and he rushes towards his Pa.

The men that shot him have dispersed and a few look regretful as they see the little boy clutch the front of his father’s t-shirt.

Sam had shouted ’Pa!’ just before the shot wrung out and now he discovers that it's the only word that will tumble out of his mouth, his sobs continue to interrupt his train of thought.

That night, curled up in his Ma’s arms, his sister at his back and his brother behind his Ma, he closes his eyes and Sam sees his father fall.

Over and over and over again.

* * *

 

The only person he tells about his nightmares is Riley.

They never sleep in the separate bunks anymore and one night Sam wakes up drenched in sweat and gasping for air and Riley is there next to him, holding him.

When he calms down, Riley asks what he dreamt about, and for the first time, Sam answered truthfully.

Before he goes back to sleep he mutters into Riley’s chest that he won't ever last him fall. That if he does hell catch him.

(Riley only kisses him and tells him to go back to sleep.)

Yet when Riley falls, Sam freezes.

Not for long, barely three seconds but it had been long enough for Riley to hit the ground just as Sam’s fingers graze one of his wings.

He stumbles to the ground and pulls the goggles from his best friends face. Riley’s eyes are unblinking, unseeing, his chest is neither rising nor falling.

He doesnt realise he’s crying until he sees the droplets on Riley’s face. They mingle with the blood and drop down the sides of his face.

The last time Sam saw someone fall, the only thing he could say was their name, this time he tries to demand something from his lover's corpse, “Why’d you have to leave me?” He sobs, his head against Riley’s unmoving chest, “Why’d you have to fall, baby? Why?”

He can't breathe, the air feels too thin and his lungs feel too small. He's stuck and Riley’s dead and if he doesn't get air into his aching chest soon, he'll die too.

So he breathes deeply, hot sand the only thing anchoring him; he breathes deeply, trying to take enough air for both Riley and himself.

He doesn't know what kind of bird is tweeting behind them and he doesn't care.

He stays crying against Riley, he stays sweating in the Afghanistan heat, and the air stays crisp, it's easier to breathe now but he sort of doesn't want to.

It takes far too long for someone to come and peel a sobbing Sam from Riley’s bloodied body but when they do, they wait for Sam to follow and when he doesn't they pick him up as well.

For the first time in three days, he falls asleep on the plane back to New York and, as is tradition, he sees his father fall to the ground except that this time, he falls from a greater height and Riley falls with him.

* * *

 

Sam had been asleep but now he’s wide awake.

One of his vets, Chris, had called him in the middle of the night.

_3am_

He had been crying and Sam had tried to get him to breathe, asked him where he was. Chris had only said sorry, that he wanted someone to know what happened to him, _why he did it._

Sam heard cars in the background, maybe a bird crowing, “Where are you, Chris?” He had asked again.

Chris had been quiet for a long while, his ragged breathing the only accompaniment to the hushed city noises.

“I’m sorry.”

Those had been Chris’ last words. And Sam had been the only one to hear them.

The scream as Chris sails downwards is loud but the silence afterwards is deafening.

Sam imagines Chris’ head cracked, body broken, blood engulfing the phone on which he had just left Sam a verbal suicide note.

He rushes to his bathroom, crashes to his knees in front of the toilet, and throws up his dinner.

Sam is crying against the porcelain and his stomach is still doing flips.

He doesn't sleep that night or the night after that either, he doesn't want to watch another body falling in his dreams, doesn't want another voice to ask why he didn't catch them.

* * *

 

Rhodey falls. And Rhodey falls _hard._

Sam had dived after him, little regard for the fact that they were on opposite sides.

He had tried so fucking hard to get to Rhodes before he hit the ground, he didn’t want another person to fall on his watch.

But the Warmachine suit was heavy and Rhodes had plummeted to the ground like a heavy rock.

He’d gotten there before Stark, had fallen to his knees beside the man. He’d tried to shake him but Rhodes did little more than whimper.

Soon enough, Stark had landed next to them, he’d looked about ready to blast him across the field but must’ve seen the devastation on his face and thought better of it.

Sam hadn’t looked at him, had kept his teary eyes steadily on Rhodey as he continued to try and talk him awake, “Come on, man……”

Tony had kneeled next to them by then and he had checked his friend over. His eyes had flickered to Sam every now and again.

As Stark had called for help, Sam broke into tears, “Please, Rhodey.” He had whispered, his silent cries had turned into sobs and he hadn’t cared that the billion genius who Steve had been fighting was watching him. He’d only cared about whether Rhodey was okay.

He’d been sent to the Raft without knowing.

So he asks Stark how Rhodes is when he comes onto the raft.

Stark gives him the decency of a short nod and a reluctant, “Legs.” Sam only nods in reply.

After Stark leaves, Sam cries in his cell.

That night, he dreams of four men falling, three dead and one crawling towards a frozen Sam, ”You took my legs.”

When Steve breaks them out, Sam hears Fake Rhodey’s accusation over and over again.

* * *

 

It's his turn to fall apparently.

One of Thanos’ men had shot him out of the sky and he's now falling at a rapid decline.

He sort of resigns himself to his fate; he doesn't scream and he doesn't flail. Just falls, hoping that he'll get to see Riley once it's over, even if he'll never see Steve again.

Sam’s life doesn't flash before his eyes but what his future might be, does.

It's really something out of one of those Hallmark rom-coms.

He thinks of declarations of love in the pouring rain; of apartment hunting on a fall afternoon; of grinning toddlers and a doting grandmother; of a perfect wedding right out of a white twink’s scrapbook; of wrinkled hands holding each other for the last time.

And then he doesn’t want to accept this fate, he wants to grow old and get to be grumpy without people telling him he’s too young to act like that. He wants to ground his kids and teach them how to knit like his mama did him; he wants to have a mortgage and complain about rates.

_Sam wants to live._

He wants to tell Steve that falling for him is the only way he ever wants to fall.

But he’s not going to get to. And he finally starts to cry because he’s still falling…

And falling…

_And falling…_

And then he’s not. He’s wrapped in someone’s arms and he’s safe and alive.

Steve’s just saved his life and he feels pretty damn good about it.

He’s saying something though and Sam thinks it might’ve been along the lines of “I’m so glad you’re okay.” But before he can ask, Steve’s pulling Sam to his chest again and he’s trapped in a bone-crushing hug.

He returns it before tearing himself away and joking, a smile he wishes was real plastering itself on his face, “You just save me from being crushed to do it yourself?”

And Steve goes quiet and Sam feels bad for a second except Steve doesn’t look hurt, he looks sad.

Sam's eyes widen as Steve touches his cheek and mutters, “You shouldn’t fake your smile, Sam.”

Sam thinks about kissing him, even begins to lean in before they hear a yell from above them and are pulled from their moment.

And then Cap is rushing back into the midst of it all and Sam is left with broken wings and a hopeful heart.

 

_fin_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I love Sam Wilson with all my heart and he has a lot to work through.
> 
> Okay so I had this concept in my head for so long and I know that the way I’ve excecuted it is... not the best dhsjsjsns
> 
> Kudos and comments light up my life! And I really like getting constructive feedback.


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